it happened. i knew it could but i prayed it wouldn’t. i’ve been living in fear of this moment for more than a few weeks now. i could have planned better for it, but i neglected to. i’ve heard all the meaningless aphorisms: better safe than sorry, safety doesn’t take holidays, look both ways before you cross. i’m not usually this callous or capricious. it’s true, i am an asshole, but this goes beyond simple name-calling.
i broke my last plastic spoon in my ice cream.
you should have heard the stream of invective that flowed from my virgin mouth. i’ve praised the moose tracks before and i sure was enjoying the hell out them then. perhaps too much, for now i was confronted by the tempting goodness armed only a crippled, plastic stick. i did contemplate eating it with my fingers, then shoving my entire face in the bottom of the carton crossed my mind before i slowly put it back in the fridge, thoroughly stymied. i’ve never been defeated so soundly by a dairy product before. i hope i never am again.
UDPATE — when i pulled my strawberries out of the fridge this morning, i think the sour cream and the yogurt were plotting. bitches. time to regulate their asses.
see, i still have no furniture. i think they see that as a sign of weakness.
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