the garrison show

it might have gone without saying, but the show is on a break to get real-life squared away. maybe it’ll be back, and maybe…

we’ll be seeing a little more traffic than usual here at the garrison show (as in, maybe 8 people instead of the regular 4) due to the party invite being hosted here. in the interest of forestalling the possible avalanche of questions (”omg, is this your BLOG??”), allow me to introduce you to–yes–my blog.

it’s a humble thing and bereft of significance or import. when i travel, i write a few brief notes on the things i do or see and when i’m at home, i haven’t used it to do anything all. recently, i’ve been keeping track of a few of the interesting things i find online in the vain thought that maybe someone else might gain some satisfaction.

i assure you, i’m under no illusions that this is all at best vaguely dorky and at worst socially suicidal, but one must play the cards one is dealt and i happen to have been staring at the jack-of-geeking-out all my life. so take a look around (or not) and see if you find anything you like (you won’t).

see you at the carnival.

due to some preposterous examples, my colleagues have started noticing people’s signatures on their work emails, and in particular, the use of quotations. what started us of was this perennial classic:

“Work like you don’t need the money, dance like no one is watching and love like you’ve never been hurt.”

whatever your personal feeling about the quote, it’s slightly off-center for a consulting company email signature. it has, in fact inspired some competitors. one fellow i work with offered this:

“Everybody’s working for the weekend, love is a battlefield and I’m dancing like I’ve never danced before.”

that prompted my own reply:

“Work like you’re about to be fired, love like you’re about to go to be arrested and dance like you’re trying to get out of jail.”

are you funnier? give it a few shots in the comments.

and i swear to god, if there are no comments by monday, i will never write another post.

i’m not assuming that anybody noticed, but the ole ’show has been having some techinical difficulties. i’ve been told it’s due to a heavy load on the database server my host is using and that things should clear up. let’s all hope so.

otherwise, i would have to find some other way to waste my time.

the future is cloudy.

at the beginning of the year i applied to a few law schools, all in california. i’ve been waitlisted at UC-Hastings, but accepted to U San Deigo and Loyola in Los Angeles (and still waiting to hear from USC and Santa Clara). between the beginning of the year and now, though, my conviction that law school is what i want has slipped. especially considering the average annual tuition is around $35K and with other costs balloons up to almost $60K a year. to go to school. i actually pretty strongly believe i would enjoy the law school experience but at what cost…

i’ve also been meaning to apply here for a month or so (as staff, not as a student). i’m not afraid of being the IT guy as long as i’m on a cruise ship. the september itinerary leaves from amsterdam and ends up in hong kong. sign me up. i would love to do this for a year or two, but i’m not sure it’s something i could turn into a career.

i also think about going back to teaching, though i don’t think i’d want to be in a math classroom. i’ve thought about completing a bachelor’s in english (and considered getting a master’s) to be able to teach that, but i worry about being motivated enough to complete the courses. i also, of course, still don’t want to pay for it.

so, here i am at 30 with 2 mini-careers behind me and no idea where to go next. the real problem, i think, is that the things that i’m good at are all things i’m not super-interested in and all of fantasies require skills i don’t have. if i really could have my dream job, i think i’d play piano and sing in a bar. and travel. with a laptop and a camera. and see what happens.

we’ll see what happens.

yesterday, one of my roommates started chatting at me, asking me if i’d heard the BANG the night before or saw “the tree.” as mature and clever as i am, i retorted something about BANG-ing one of his relatives and asked which tree he was referring to. he described, “the tree that crashed through the garage.” though he was a day late on april fools, it wouldn’t be the first time he was a day late so i figured he was trying to “pull one over on me.”

turns out it was no joke. half of a fairly large tree split off two nights ago and fell directly on the garage. i’ll show you a picture:

here’s another angle:

so i get home around 6:00 and text jed, my friend i own the house with. then i took these pictures. then i walked over to our neighbor’s house to see how bad it was on there side. then i was almost attacked by a dog the size of a bear. the good news was that it turned our there was basically no damage at all to his shed. he even offered to help us out on the weekend with his chainsaw and try to clean it up. i told him we’d buy him pizza. he laughed at me, kind of the way a grown-up laughs at a kid asking if they “want to play.” cool. then i went inside and, if i remember correctly, beat koon (another roommate) in ping-pong, over and over.

let’s be clear about one thing at this point: i am not a lumberjack. i am not a ‘jack’ of very many things at all, unless they have some sort of keyboard attached. i looked and i could not find a keyboard anywhere near this tree. the more industrious of you out there might have been able to grab your handsaw (scissors or exacto knife) and start going to town, but that’s not really my forte. my forte involves something technological and a warm, soft chair. or maybe a book. if we’re dealing with something that involves any sort of “engine” or “manual labor,” we’ve left my expertise far behind.

given my inability to do anything and the fact that it seemed the tree had already done about as much damage as it was going to,  i was perfectly content to wait for jed to come home around 11. then we could come up with a “battle plan” (using that term makes me feel like i am more important than i am) and maybe get up there and help him throw a tarp over the sunlights. that’s right, i’m not afraid to go up on the roof. with backup.

so i had to do some work last night (which was cool cause i work with my computer…my specialty) and before i knew it i was looking at my laptop and it was midnight. i’d been in my room with the door closed but i’d expected jed to be home by this point - weird. walking across the hall to brush my teeth, i see jed on the couch. investigation is called for. it doesn’t take long to find out that he’s been home a while and has been outside with ryan (another roommate…i know, there are a lot of us) and they’ve been chopping at the tree. wow! let’s look at another picture (from this morning):

from another angle:

as far as i can tell, they did this in the middle of the night. without power tools. what is even more baffling to me is that no one asked for my help. i didn’t even know these things were occurring! perhaps jed and ryan are even smarter than i give them credit for and they knew that my involvement would not only add little value but perhaps jeopardize the safety of all participants. refer again to the above-mentioned lack of expertise.

i hope one of their computers breaks so i can feel useful and fix something. until then, i’ll be indebted.

saturday night, i received a phone call. i was told that it was important i come to mt. pleasant (a wonderful neighborhood in NW DC) as soon as i could. i’ve never been concerned with details and i didn’t start then. thirty minutes later, i’m parking and walking up to my friends’ house.

i was met on the porch and led down the street. as we turned the corner, i could see bright lights and more than one crowd gathered a couple blocks down the road. as we got closer, it became evident that we were, in fact, walking towards a movie set. i later found out that state of play has been filming in DC for quite some time.

so we continue walking down the sidewalk and now it’s clear that the crew is set up just across the street. they’ve got the big lights with the generators and a couple cameras and tons of people standing around. behind them, you can see the small group of locals gathered around to watch the goings-on. it’s difficult to determine, though,  at this point where the actual set is. it’s late, the street isn’t brightly lit, and it’s hard to distinguish any actors from the people just standing around.

and then he appears.

long hair, slightly paunch, shorter-than-expected, but less than 4 feet away — russell crowe. our eyes meet, we smile at each other, silently acknowledging our respective superlatives. he’s just standing there, waiting for the next take and our presence (i’m accompanied by two girlfriends) feels vaguely intrusive, but we’re all good-natured about it.

as we pass, i can feel that he really wants to reach out to me, to ask for my advice on whether i think his character feels natural yet, what i think of the script. i give him my best “i’d-love-to-but-i-just-don’t-have-the-time-right-now” look and he nods imperceptibly. i hate to disappoint the man, but we all have our limits and i just refuse to work on a saturday night.

we continued walking and made it out of the set in another block or so. we joined the throng of the average who were content just watching from afar. after coming so close and having such intimate nonverbal communication, peering at the spectacle from across the street just didn’t have the same appeal and we soon moved on to dinner.

if anyone has any questions about russell, i’ll be happy to answer them.

i’ve got a lot of free time on my hands, with potentially a lot more to come so let’s set some goals, right? i do firmly believe that the chance of accomplishing something increases exponentially when you write it down. so what do i want to do? in no particular order:

• as a celebration of my 30th birthday, i’d like to write my autobiography to this point.
• i need to learn to play one fucking song on the piano, start to finish, that sounds good.
• as the weather gets warmer, i need to get in a workout pattern. cycling, tennis, basketball. weights. bathing suit season is coming.

those are the plans. stay tuned…

you know, i get an email every week or so with stats on pageviews here and the numbers, even more than being nonnegative, are actually positive. in a given week, there might be 5-10 unique visitors. i can only ask, “wtf??”

in any case, i’m here to let you know that i’m thinking about starting up again… i’m going to do a little bit of a graphic redesign, then start off posting some links. we’ll see where it goes from there.

don’t hold your breath.

i get a monthly email of visitor stats (how many new visitors, how many returning, how many page views, etc) and to my amazement, people still visit this site.

personally, i can’t imagine why. there hasn’t been any original content since february and it’s now almost september. i can’t believe that people are coming back and reading old posts just for the fun of it so i’m forced to imagine my fans checking, day and day, hoping for insightful, witty commentary.

keep hoping.

but i’ll start throwing some links up here. i do manage to get RSS feeds on maybe 50 different websites, so i’ll post some of the things i think are interesting. like:

something you probably won’t need for back-to-school

a process diagram for my life at work or an alternate version

love the pic

martyz’s got some great content today

if you want a gun, virginia’s a sweet place to be

news from the cancer-fighting front

depressing

okay, i haven’t written a post in a solid month. at least. let’s not belabor the point. what have i been up to? as if you care…although, if you’re looking at this page you are obviously one of the faithful so maybe i should tell you what’s up. and what gets the job done better than a numbered list? so without further ado and in no particular order…

1. zigler got married. it was a stupendous affair that occurred in fairfax, va. peep the photos here. it’s difficult to imagine being happier for a newlywed couple…good people doing good things.

2. i’m working. it’s been busy and not too much fun. blech.

3. i’m dating a girl from chile and it’s been pretty wonderful.

4. due to numbers 2 and 3, i have not had time to do anything else.

questions?

okay, i’ve got two things to share with you.

1. in the near future, www.thegarrisonshow.com will be host to a quiz show. stay tuned…./blog will still play host to this site, but you’ll have to navigate here directly for whatever sporadic updates i manage to get up here.

2. there will be a special section of thegarrisonshow for writing. i, and some select friends, will be posting essays, short stories, funny things of all nature. if you want an invite, drop me a line and i’ll send you the address when it comes up.

that’s all - don’t go too far…

hey, i haven’t seen you around. how’ve you BEEN?

despite the fact that i still feel awkward trying to figure out what to blog about, i’m going to give it a go and throw a post up here.

sitting at my keyboard, i’m reminded of the way i felt in high school when i was within about 12 feet of an of attractive female. okay, any female. i’m incredibly conscious of my mind quickly empyting, leaving me feeling fortunate just to be able to come up with a mutli-syllabic word.

but that’s neither here nor there. i am here, looking at this editor and feeling fairly convinced i have nothing to offer the world. which is cool.

don’t get me wrong–i’m not depressed. im fairly convinced you have nothing to offer the world, too. we’re all equals here.

i could talk about my job but i don’t want to get fired.

i could talk about my love life but- well, all the obvious.

i could share my observations on life but it’s hard to think of anything duller.

maybe once i get settled in an apartment i’ll post some of the writing i plan to do. how’s that for a plan?

say something funny.

is summed up by one of the following links:

http://www.zillowblog.com/zillow_blog/2007/03/confessions_of_.html

or

http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/any_friend_of_yours_is_a

the news is official: i have rejoined the working world. well, i haven’t quite rejoined it but i’ve verbally accepted an offer of employment with a large consulting company. i’ll pretend that i’ve learned a lesson from my past and not name it. really, i’m just saving myself some effort when i get fired and i want to go back and change the name in all my posts. i won’t actually start until the end of february, which of course brings me to the ‘plans’ area of the post.

i’ve got most of two months to spend however i wish - so how do i wish? i’m going to pick up everyone’s favorite asian and head down to new orleans. i’ve never been and i’ve wanted to check things out first-hand ever since the hurricane. from the big easy, we’ll head west along the coast, stopping for any natural wonders along the way to houston and austin, then up to arizona to see the grand canyon. from there, we’ll head either north to vegas or west to san diego, only to wind up in LA ready for phase two.

phase two is plane to hong kong and a few weeks to explore asia. i might even be able to get to australia to see cav’s wedding, which would be cool. in any case, i will be buying inexpensive clothes and sushi. and maybe some electronics. any requests?

if you’ve got any suggestions for a pitstop, feel free to drop a line. otherwise, stay tuned for some stories…

i will miss some things about being unemployed. the ability to sleep in till 11:00, to stay up till 4:00, to spend a day watching movies, reading a book, or writing a short story, to visit long-lost friends in faraway places, to dream of vacations i could take (but never actually do), and just generally fart around in my underwear for far too long. well, hopefully i will miss them.

i think i will be coming up on a dilemma that i might as well start thinking about now. i’m hoping that i’ll miss all those above perks because i think i’m getting close to the end of two applications, which if everything goes as planned, will result in two comparable offers. both of which, i cannot accept. thus the choice.

option #1 involves technical consulting for a pretty large company. i’d be in the government group, most likely stationed in DC (which is exactly where i want to be) but with no guarantees but also the opportunity to travel most places in the world. the work could at times be interesting, but could prove in the long run to be mundane. think officespace, although i have reason to believe it won’t be nearly that bad. i have a good number of friends who work for this company and though i wouldn’t expect to work with them, i’ve gotten a generally very positive review. even though i’ve been teaching high school for the last three years (which is my job-holding record), i feel like this is going back down my real career path. in 3-5 years, i’m doing much the same thing, unless i get bitten by the entrepreneurial bug.
option #2 seems more divergent to me. i would be doing education research and helping write standardized math tests. it seems i would have two primary responsibilities: (1) write and review test items and (2) statistically measure and analyze the validity and reliability of existing tests and test items. this may be more intellectually stimulating and i may be able to get a free graduate degree out of it. if so, this would provide direction for my career. i could see myself getting a degree either in statistics or cognitive psychology. both of those are fascinating to me and could lead down really interesting roads.

the first option will probably do better financially, unless you account for graduate school tuition with option #2. my instinct says option #2 might be more interesting, but i could be wrong about that.

what am i missing? what do you think? what should i do?

and where should i take my last vacation?

i could easily try to blame this on my parents. i could say their habitual fear of pizza delivery men and minorities leaves them no choice but to lock the door compulsively. i could say that, but i know it’s really my fault.

i’ve been traveling around a lot, making my driving tour of virginia and catching up with old friends, and this means i keep a lot of clothes and things in my car. i pull into my parents house last night damn exhausted and leave everything in my car to get the next morning.

so the next morning, it hits me that i should do some laundry. for no particular reason, i put the clothes i’m wearing in the washing machine and go out to my car to get the rest. i realize right as i’ve gotten outside the garage that my car is locked and the keys are inside. no big deal.

except the garage door is locked, too.

so i’m seriously standing outside my parents house in my underwear with no car keys, no house keys, no phone. luckily they live in a quiet neighborhood on a pretty big hill so there wasn’t too much danger of being seen by random passerby’s, but there was a lot of danger of looking like a damn idiot all morning.

i checked for the extra key where it used to be (when i was in high school!) and was not surprised to not find it. so i draped myself in a old sheet that was lying in the garage, and bravely walked over to our neighbor’s. luckily, someone was home.

unfortunately, the whole damn family was home. the husband, the wife, the two kids, and the husbands parents, are all treated to a lengthly showing of me in my skivvies while we have a good old laugh about getting locked out. well, most of us were laughing.

long story short (well, it’s probably too late for that), i talked to my mom and figured out where the key is now and let myself back in. crisis averted.

so i’m trying to help my parents clean out their basement (which has been buried in stuff for all of recent memory) and i came across a shoebox full of some of my old toys. sweet!

here’s the thing, though. i was going through the box trying to decide what to keep and what to toss, and every damn piece of plastic in that box was a gun, cannon, missile, bomb, rocket, laser, or some combination of the previous, i.e. a laser-guided rocket gun. what gives?

i’m not the first nor the smartest person to notice this, but i did notice it. is it any wonder that we solve international conflicts with an army? is there a better way?

no news is good news, right? wrong, but it’s all you got for now. here’s what i’ve found that’s worth checking out:

if you live in south carolina, like to hunt, are rich and support the republican party, have i got the party for you. on 9/11, no less.

there are less than 61,000 confidential reports accessible on google! get there here before they go away!

a few quick facts about youtube.

in an amazing revelation, cnn has announced no one typically knows how many calories are in fast food. i hate news that’s not news.

from the UK’s ‘the register,’ news that a quarter of russians engage in “mobile rumpy-pumpy.” what is that? you sure you want to know?

google will archive historical news. [insert funny joke]

do you believe in privacy? yes? then you probably won’t use this online sex diary. i just don’t have anything to record.

again, stay tuned for the big stuff. crazy, crazy, crazy…

-garrison out