the garrison show

i’m not one to brag, but i’m mighty damn proud of myself at the moment.

i have cobbled together enough HTML and retarded CSS to complete the first phase of my site redesign. i found the photo of the tv flying through the air (which is symbolic of SO much i believe) and hacked it into a header. i systematically eliminated uppercase letters wherever i could find them (then found out i could do the same thing with a line of CSS). so…what do you think???

i’m getting more serious about learning some of this crap and this was a great education. i was at times reminded of all the reasons i hate programming, though. for example, i only spent an hour or so trying to get the second line of the header right-flushed because i couldn’t remember it was “text-align” instead of just “align.” stick a fork in me.

anyway, i’m sort of holding my breath because while it looks great in osx/firefox and safari, i’m mighty feared of the mis-aligned, bass-ackwards goop that results when IE tries to do anything. if you’ve got any tips, bugs, or suggestions, drop a comment or an email.

oh, i’m just so giddy!!

as part of my current mp3 project, i’m trying to get file names and ID3 tags a little more organized. this program has proved absolutely invaluable. it’s just got a ton of flexibility in specifying renaming rules, writing or reading tags and moving files around. brilliant. and free.

just be careful you don’t happen to try to rename all your files a1b2c3.mp3. cause that’d be bad.

let’s take a walk down a street in imaginary-world for a few moments together.

pretend you’re a judge. an important judge. you make important, political decisions and lots of people pay attention to what you decide. you’re a mover and a shaker. you’ve got visions of elected office and you think the word ’senator’ sounds good in front of your name. you like the finer things in life; your skin itches when not ensconced in cashmere and you have to quash your gag reflex when not drinking antartic glacier-water thawed by virgin seals.

of course, you’re a family man (or woman, for that matter) and you’ve worked hard to put your son through all the right prep schools and finally gotten him into a prestigious university. you’re proud of all you’ve accomplished and all the bright potential of your future. there’s no reason to not think you will be on the right side of the aisle when the lobbyists come calling with gifts.

then, one day, you are forwarded a picture of your son on facebook and he’s wearing beer. literally, a belt fashioned from beer cans hangs snugly on his well-cared-for waist. given the angle from which they hang, the cans are both easily accessible and replaceable. a modern-day batman. as your pride and shame battle for control of your face, you examine more pictures and see him lying unconcious with balls drawn on his forehead and oh, is that a penis about to enter his bare, white ass? why, i think it is.

perhaps that’s enough of imaginary-world. reality: a UK paper gives a brief rundown of some US famous politicians and officials who have recently become ensnared in similar scandals. it’s an interesting piece which pits the recklessness of youth against the sensibilities of the older generation and the freedom of the child against the responsibilities of the parent.

personally, i can’t really think of a funny line to put here to end this post. why don’t you?

commericals are the name of the game today.

here’s a news story about this unfortunate picture which appeared (on the second page!) in the current Ikea catalog. i sorta couldn’t resist spoiling it for you, but it’s still worth a look. it’s not actually an artifically attached man-dick on a friendly little pup but you might not realize that at first. looks like he might be more appropriately called woman’s best friend.

in other news, ford wants to be the maker of the SUV of the divorced, slightly on-the-outs, still caring and trying-to-get-back-in-the-circle-of-trust dad. want proof? here’s a review their ad with a link to video. i understand demographics change and advertisers have to ride the edge sometimes, but this is still a little weird. the looks that the mom and dad exchange…it just makes you ask all sorts of questions you should probably stay away from: why’d they split up? did he cheat on her with a mexican whore on a business trip in tijuana? did he have a closet smack-rock addiction that finally went too far when he tried to mistook the daughter for a tasty bowl of nachos?

maybe he had a dog cock.

a young fellow here has written an expose, “myspace can eat a bag of dick,” detailing some of the more egregious faults of myspace’s desgin. i lol’d, so to speak. don’t neglect to read the comments, either.

mark cuban posted a challenge on his blog: fix the movie industry.

it’s dying - people are waiting for DVD’s, movies are more expensive than people think they’re worth, and they perceive quality decrease. so how do we fix that?

personally, i think there’s a lot of value in a different model for theaters. right now we’re in the age of the multiplex. cater to everyone, offer as many movies as you can. i commented to mark that a themed, branded theater that catered to action flicks, or dramas or date movies might be more successful. team it with a bar and restaurant and make it a destination regardless of what’s playing. give me a fun place to hang out that also has 4 screens playing a variety of genre flicks and i’ll just go with my friends and if i want to see a movie, i will.

i’m the smartest cookie. now it’s just a race to see who will give me a movie theater first!!

it happened. i knew it could but i prayed it wouldn’t. i’ve been living in fear of this moment for more than a few weeks now. i could have planned better for it, but i neglected to. i’ve heard all the meaningless aphorisms: better safe than sorry, safety doesn’t take holidays, look both ways before you cross. i’m not usually this callous or capricious. it’s true, i am an asshole, but this goes beyond simple name-calling.

i broke my last plastic spoon in my ice cream.

you should have heard the stream of invective that flowed from my virgin mouth. i’ve praised the moose tracks before and i sure was enjoying the hell out them then. perhaps too much, for now i was confronted by the tempting goodness armed only a crippled, plastic stick. i did contemplate eating it with my fingers, then shoving my entire face in the bottom of the carton crossed my mind before i slowly put it back in the fridge, thoroughly stymied. i’ve never been defeated so soundly by a dairy product before. i hope i never am again.

UDPATE — when i pulled my strawberries out of the fridge this morning, i think the sour cream and the yogurt were plotting. bitches. time to regulate their asses.

see, i still have no furniture. i think they see that as a sign of weakness.

having trouble sleeping? maybe you need these.

i realized last night, as i was sitting on the carpet at midnight eating moose tracks ice cream out of the carton (delicious!), watching mission impossible on my computer and smelling some funk under my arms, that i’m definitely not an adult.

see, grown-ups know how to furnish a home, eat responsibly, go to bed on time, and clean themselves regularly. these are just a few of the things i’m still working on. i’m really good at organizing, planning, and getting ready to live; it’s actually living where things fall apart. i can make a damn list with the best of them. i know the order the numbers go in and i never forget one.

the walls in my house are as bare as the hardwood floor. art, you ask? let’s just say i’m a minimalist. i actually am excited about decorating, just incompetent at actually doing it. if i’ve got no idea what colors i’m going to paint or what kind of couch or rug i’m going to buy, how can i possibly coordinate colors? you can see my dilemma.

so back to my original predicament. i did eat dinner last night–a fajita from Moe’s–but that didn’t stop me from munching the hell out of some moose tracks. so good! and it’s like a scavenger hunt, trying to find all the little peanut butter cups and fudge ripples. and it’s the best kind of scavenger hunt cause even when you can’t find either one, they’re always just surrounded by wonderful vanilla ice cream. i was i was surrounded by wonderful vanilla ice cream. then i wouldn’t need furniture. i rest my case: mr. tracks is a genius.

and who starts watching a movie at midnight? 14-year olds, that’s who! in reality, i haven’t even started puberty, much less finished. at least i wasn’t watching porn. no comment.

the only redeeming adult quality i’ve got is that, at least for the past two days, i’m an awesome teacher. will that get me to heaven?

it’s over. it’s the beginning of the end now.

school was…pretty damn good. 3 classes of algebra I and 1 of ap stat, if you didn’t know. i’ve got a total of 40 students and for the most part, i was impressed.

some of these freshmen were definitely squirrelly but some almost blew me away. people were attentive, inquisitive, active, etc. we also had a couple of laughs. i didn’t give any homework but we’ve got a quiz tomorrow.

ummm, what else can i say? i need to get a life.

this will only appeal to the geeks out there, but here is a fantastic movie of flash animation gone wrong.

last night i put on a showcase. a showcase of what a bad decision it was to hire me as an assistant tennis coach.

the parents at my high school hosted a small tennis tournament this weekend and i got drafted for the mixed doubles due to a large number of drop-outs. with some reservations (i don’t even have a racket!), i agreed to help out. great thinking.

i have to say at the outset that everyone was very polite about my sucking total ass. no one pointed out what a worthless a exuse “just shaking off the dust” was, nor did they actually ask if i’d ever played tennis before. but i’m sure some of them were wondering.

it was a round-robin format and i ended up playing around 24 games with different partners against most of the people that were there. i remember winning 2 of those games. it was, in a word, pathetic. of course, the only reason i got asked to play was because i introduced myself to the wrong person as the new assistant tennis coach. i have exactly “not enough time” to acquire some profenciency before the season gets underway in the spring.

i can only hope it’s one of those tennis teams where “coaching” consists of picking which students should play each other and leaving everything else to the well-paid pros at the country club. i certainly hope to christ that i don’t have to play any of these damn kids.

sometimes, i just hate being white.

had a big-shot trustee’s dinner tonight at the local country club. the upside? open bar.

i think i hit my stride right in the middle of my 3rd glass and managed to exercise some self-control around 4. i was loose as a goose and ready to rock and roll. it’s fantastic when these people that you’ve just watched for the last two weeks try their best to be professional get a little of the drink in them and suddenly they’re naked on a table. you know what i mean.

i really feel good about my school and colleagues here now. that will probably go away in the morning to be replaced by a headache. but for now, it’s all good.

cheers.

i sit at my keyboard, dumbfounded, failed by my powers of description.

i have just come home from karaoke. well, they called it karaoke, i have no idea what it actually was. i heard some of the best performances of my life and then there was everybody else. singing was redefined, finally free of the pesky constraints of rhythm, pitch and melody.

there was an 80-year old goldfish. we called him goldfish because it would take him about 7 seconds to forget the 20-year old coed he just asked to dance with him had declined. so he would ask again. repeat. repeat. we stopped keeping track at 30.

there was the team of 40-somethings who took to the dance floor like it was their job everytime a song with a tempo came on. i did give them credit for being the only ones who would dance with the goldfish. kudos.
there was ‘the governator,’ an older gentleman wearing a t-shirt of arnold who danced only with his hands. he was vogueing all over the place–i got dizzy just watching him.

unfortunately, the punch line to all this is that i forgot my camera at home. i can’t remember a time in my life when i’d wanted a camera more. on the other hand, it’s a weekly event so i do plan to be back. look for the footage coming soon…

you can say i’m a dork. you can say i’m a nerd, a geek, a loser. you can call me whatever you want. i don’t have anything to prove to you and i’m totally comfortable with myself. that’s why i can reveal the following.

i watched the first three harry potter movies on sunday. and the only reason i didn’t watch the fouth is cause i don’t have it. and i don’t know where the video store is. there. i said it. it’s out there. it’s on the internet, for crissakes.

it was not a completely asocial weekend, however, as friday night i went out with my new best friend from school. we saw a local band and i met a bunch of people in his group. it was refreshing to be social.

i also got on my bicycle for the first time in half a year. georgia is not a flat state, let me tell you. or at least my small town isn’t. sweet jesus, my thighs were burning after the first damn hill. and the weather’s not doing me any favors, either. i deluded myself that i’d be able to ride to school. we’ll find out about that this week.

in other news, i still have no furniture. zippo. i have a desk for my computer and an air mattress i’m borrowing from a colleague. i have no idea what to do. i’ll post more about this later. no one will read it, though.

is anyone still out there?

i’m writing right now at a picnic bench on my school’s campus overlooking the lake. not too shabby, really.

i’ve been in georgia for…3 days now. i still have no: bed, rug, couch, chairs, silverware, plates, tables, dresser, towel racks, or place to put my vaccuum. i know, i know. i’ve been living a very spartan lifestyle. i’ve been watching movies on my computer and playing around on the guitar. i get internet hooked up tomorrow so that will let me get started remaking this website.

i’ve also been getting into this thing - napping. i’m awesome at it! everytime i eat, i nap. it’s like i’m 3 years old again. and when i say nap, i’m talking 2-3 hours. i think i might still be catching up on sleep from january australia.

we’ve got a couple weeks of orientation at school before classes start. nothing too extraordinary although it’s fantastic to have so long to really get setup. every afternoon is pretty much free time, too.

when are you coming to visit?

i’m in georgia.

i drove in my civic and my stuff (not that there’s much of it) rode in a van. who drove the van? who’s my only friend? zigler. that’s a stand-up guy for ya.

it turns about it’s pretty close to a 10-hour drive from northern va with minimal stops. if you stop in richmond and visit a couple of your schmuck friends, that can creep closer to 12 or 13 hours.

now, i don’t know if you’ve happened to have been outside at all recently, but it’s hot. damn hot. and it’s even hotter in a 92 civic without air conditioning. and an overheating problem. an overheating problem that forces you to vent the hot air from the engine into the cabin. and sweat like oprah playing basketball on a rooftop court in mississippi in the middle of july. you get the point.

anywho, we got in late, had some food and milkshakes, and crashed like a couple of planes. planes flown by the kennedys. get it?

i get internet wednesday and furniture…eventually. i’ll be starting school (orientation) monday and we’ll see what happens. i’ll keep you in the loop.

when will i post something interesting?

for the second time in my life, i was a total asshole missed my flight.

the first time was much more significant. i missed a flight to san francisco for a job conference. if i’d made it, i may very well be on my way to CA instead of GA…but i totally screwed myself everything happens for a reason and i can’t complain too much. you would have thought i would have learned a lesson from the experience, though.

unfortunately, i didn’t and this time i totally underestimated traffic, lost track of time, and tried to do way too much. suck. i ended up with a decision between flights leaving in one hour (for $180) or six hours (at the possible cost of my sanity). i sucked it up and pulled out my credit card.

at this point, i’m just hungry and tired and ready to be home. too bad i’m not even sure where that is right now…

brisbane to auckland.

auckland to LA.

LA to vegas.

vegas to atlanta.

atlanta to my town and then back to atlanta (by car).

atlanta to DC.

i live in the air, surrounded by pressurized plastic and artifically friendly uniforms. ugh.

casualties: sleeping bag lost in transit (claim submitted), ice cream stain on my shirt, complete lack of awareness of body rhythm.

benefits: saw 6 movies, read a lot, saw a really hot girl in an airport.

i’m ready to land.

so i’m in the states less than 8 hours and the difference is palpable. just riding the plane from LA to vegas, people immediately just seem more irritable, more obnoxious, louder and less patient. i will miss the relaxed and sarcastic attitude of the aussie’s and backpackers.

in other news, i spent a good afternoon with ransford. he’s still on the audition circuit and getting cash money from previous projects. we walked around santa monica on the boardwalk and the beach. it’s definitely official: LA beaches are a joke compared anything down under. just one more reason to go back, i suppose…