the garrison show

so i’m in the states less than 8 hours and the difference is palpable. just riding the plane from LA to vegas, people immediately just seem more irritable, more obnoxious, louder and less patient. i will miss the relaxed and sarcastic attitude of the aussie’s and backpackers.

in other news, i spent a good afternoon with ransford. he’s still on the audition circuit and getting cash money from previous projects. we walked around santa monica on the boardwalk and the beach. it’s definitely official: LA beaches are a joke compared anything down under. just one more reason to go back, i suppose…

damn, this trip just keeps getting better and better.

i was apprehensive about a 3-day, 2-night self-guided tour on an island with 9 strangers for all the obvious reasons. the backpacker culture is a strange one; in some ways it’s a throwback to the early 20’s and its collegiate debauchery but at the same time there’s a thirst for “authentic” experiences which is refreshing. i’ll probably post again about this as i reflect more on it…

in any case, the scenery on the island is top-notch. from lake mckenzie to wabby lake to the shipwreck to indian’s head, there’s tons to see and 3 days isn’t nearly enough time. it’s not a small island either, so we spent a lot of time just in our 4-wheeler, driving around on the beach from place to place.

the gang consisted of a bloke from Glasgow who was nearly as sarcastic as i am, a couple girls from Canada, a few chaps from Ireland and a trio from England. i was definitely the odd man out as the sole american. we quoted Anchorman religiously and enjoyed ourselves enormously.

the one bizarre caveat here was the behavior of our campsite host, wayne, an aboriginal. historically, the aboriginals have had serious problems with alcohol because their metabolism and body chemistry is so different. in most parts of australia, it’s illegal to serve more than one drink to aboriginal in fact. that’s part of the reason it’s somewhat troubling to hear wayne exhorting us all to “get fucked up.”

cultures that exist in such proximity–as the white and the aboriginal do–are bound to spill into each other. i just wish it was a little more reciprocal and not just a one-way adoption of all the worst aspects of western culture. the aboriginals can do so much better than mcdonald’s and budweiser; i wish we would learn something from them instead of the other way around…

i’m hooked. where to begin…

first, the crew. we had a new skipper and first mate on our second trip. mel, the captain, is also the owner of the fleet and sailing company. he’s been on the water for more years than i’ve been alive - almost twice as many. he’s got a story and a scenario for every occasion and is an absolutely fantastic teacher. he was knowledgeable (to put it mildly), perceptive and patient. more about this in a bit. will, another english bloke, was the first mate. he was seriously infected with the racing bug after coming out of a life of airplanes and military service. he knew his stuff cold and was eager to answer questions. with these two guys manning the boat, we couldn’t help but learn.

next, the passengers. i admit i was a little hesitant about starting this whole thing over with 10 new people but my fears evaporated when i saw the tremendous quantities of alcohol that the next group brought on board. there were 3 canadian guys and 4 english dudes and between them, i’m not exaggerating, there were over 120 cans of beer and probably 12 liters of wine. after 3 days, it was all gone. turns out, there’s no inappropriate time or place for beer. who knew? i think that’s probably all i need to say about that.

the actual course was fantastic. mel covered sail theory (how the wind moves the boat), meteorology, navigation, chart reading, parts of the boat and the actualy mechanics of how to sail. i’m now adept at “taking on the port running backstay” and “easing off the headsail sheet.” it’s a totally new vocabulary. the only thing that really hung me up (can you feel the pun coming?) was trying to hoist the main sail–a sheet of fabric that weighs more than i do–up 120 feet of mast. i’ll have to hit the gym when i get back to the states.

the last bit of good news occured when we were getting ready to disembark. mel pulled me over to sign my logbook and told me that if i got back to the whitsundays sometime, he would put me on his boats as a volunteer while i really learned to sail. he would host me for 4 weeks while i ate and slept on different boats and lent a hand as a crew member. so if i get back to australia, i’ve got a free 4-week vacation on the water. total score. who’s coming with me??

final note: regarding the offspring of interracial reltaionships, taiwanese + swedish = gorgeous.

i just completed the first half of my 5-day sailing adventure. it was badass to say the least.

we were on a 60-ft racing yacht, the Eureka II. when i say racing, i do mean racing. top speed during a race in sydney was 25 knots. that’s lethal fast. the skipper told us some stories about getting their heads torn off by flying booms, being crushed against the deck by 20-foot waves and having their hands burned off holding on to cables. i, on the other hand, survived quite heartily. looks like i was born to be a sailer… i think we got up to 10 knots once.

highlights of the sail included the BEAUTIFUL whitehaven beach (pix to be uploaded in a few days), the almost-as-beautiful french doll (whose name we could never quite remember), two 18-year old english crazy girls, the crew–glenn-o and chris-o, an english bloke named ian, and a card game called shithead (i realized a few days after i learned how to play, it’s actually a variation of asshole…which somehow makes sense).

we snorkeled a couple times, drank a lot of wine out of bags, and played hours of cards. it was some serious fun and good bonding. i may have to visit ian in london and if i’m back down under, chris-o is on my list of people to call. i can’t email him because he’s barely literate. it’s all he can do to get his clothes on facing the right way. sometimes his mom helps. i hope he’s reading this.

cheers!

jeez - you seen one, you seen ‘em all.

airlie becah is another one of these resort towns, just like cairns and every other resort town in the world, i imagine. meaning that there ain’t jack shit to do. i’ve been here two days; i’ve met a couple of irish blokes and some canadian girls. surprisingly few germans…i wonder where they’re hiding. later this afternoon (arvo) i get on my sailboat for 5 days, 4 nights. sweet-as. i got upgraded because the boat i was signed up for only had 2 passengers. they’re giving us an extra trip and moving us to a bigger boat. no complaints here.

in other news, i was struggling so badly finding something to do, i finally bought a notebook and a pen so i could find a new way to feel productive. i wrote a short story during the two days i was here. when i get to brisbane and have some time to type it up, i’ll post it. it’s nothing to get excited about.

after the 5-day sailing trip (i hope i don’t spew), i’m headed further south to fraser island for some 4WD fun on the largest sand island in the world. then down to brisbane and then HOME! hard to imagine that the end of this trip is nearly here…

see you soon!

the highlight of cairns is without a doubt the doyles.

i blogged earlier that i won big at the toad races; terry is the chap who runs them and he and his son jake are the band that plays beforehand. i came back to johno’s to check them out and ended up chatting with him after the show.

after i went on and on about how much i enjoyed the toad races and his music, we started talking about cairns and i gave him the tourist’s perspective. he invited me back to his spot for a night to sleep in a real bed, get some home-cooked food and see some of the other side of things - he didn’t have to offer twice!

he picked me up at the hostel and we drove about 20 minutes outside the city center to his house. it’s a one-story, 3-bedroom joint that’s cozy and comfortable though his back yard is still in a bit of a shambles since the cyclone hit earlier this year. we put on some coffee and got to chatting…

thanks to him, i was able to see some of cairns’ industry (sugar crops and refineries), undeveloped land and Aboriginies actually living something of the Aboriginal lifestyle. i also got to meet howard, an 83-year old chap still rootin’ arond with the best of them. if howard had a blog, it would kick this blog’s ass, i guarantee it.

i owe him a debt of gratitude for his hospitality but i may be able to repay it in the spring when he and his son come to the states to tour the east coast a bit. hopefully the garrison show will still be on at that point…

well, holy shit.

diving is amazing. really–amazing.

i started out with two days in a classroom and a (thankfully heated) pool. we learned you should never hold your breath underwater (cause your lungs can explode) and how to breathe through a regulator (don’t use your nose). we practiced swimming with fins and the tank and just got used to moving around underwater (it’s sort of like being an astronaut). but none of that could have prepared me for what it’s like in the ocean. at the reef. with the fish. and the sharks.

breathtaking.

monday morning we pile on SeaQuest, the ship that will take us out to OceanQuest, the ship that’s permanently moored out on the reef that we sleep on. It’s an 90-minute ride in a fast boat out to the reef and the sea was angry that day. unfortunately, i blew chunks on the way over, about 3 minutes before we got there. whoops! got some on the boat, too. sorry. it’s not my fault.

we finally get there and we get suited up (there’s a lot of gear in scuba) and jump in the water straightaway. after my vomitus eposide, i was hoping i might get a breather before we actually started one of the deadliest hobbies in the world, but no rest for the weary. we were on board about 10 minutes before we all took the giant step off the boat, weighed down about 35 pounds from the tank and ancillary appurati…

from the second your sightline gets under the surface, it’s just amazing. from what you see to what you feel, there’s no way to convey the changes in perception that occur. immediately you become aware of the fact that you’re breathing - underwater. at first that’s sort of all you can think about but after 20 or 30 seconds that fades away and you start to be more aware of what’s around you. the shape and texture of the coral, the colors of the fish you see all over… it’s a real visual feast. you can’t appreciate all the things that are going on right below the water until you see it. and we were only in 18 meters of water!

i ended up with 8 dives and one at night. i’m a PADI-certified adventure diver and i can’t wait to do get under the water again. hopefully i can find some cool sites in the states to check out - if not, cozumel, mexico is not that far away…

i’ll be bringing home a trophy to the states. a toad racing trophy.

well, the trophy doesn’t SAY toad racing, but that’s only cause the guy who runs the thing is too cheap to get actual trophies made for the event. he buys second-handers. but i’m getting ahead of myself…

so i’m walking around carins with my new friend dominic, a german tourist, and we wander into johno’s blues bar. the music that drew us in and we got a table and had a few beers listening to the trio on stage. they finish their set and announce that the toad races are coming next.

this may reveal my limited upbringing, but neither of us had ever seen a toad race so we stuck around. while we’re waiting, a kid comes around with a sign-up sheet. a toad costs $3 and it’s only australian money anyway, so i’m down for a toad. i name him ‘triangle’ and explain that i’m a math teacher. inspired. it must be an english-language thing, though, cause my explanation was only rewarded with a blank start from dominic. i suspect germans don’t actually have humor.

eventually, the lights dim and a guy comes out dressed in a safari outfit with a microphone and starts talking up the races. they bring out “the thoroughbreds in their stables” (toads in tupperware) and the guy starts calling people down ot put their toad in the “mounting yard.” it was hilarious. he made fun of everyone and everything without prejudice or discretion. brilliant. “oh, you’re from england? why are is your weather so shitty all the time?” “hello mr. american, your president sure is a sonofabitch isn’t he?” etc., etc.

so there’s 10 toads racing at a time and there are two heats. they take the two winners from each heat and a wildcard and have a championship and that’s that. to make a long story short, my toad won the first heat. it also won the championship though the host was too busy flapping his gums to notice. he was distracted by the hot american college students. evidently my toad was distracted as well because it didn’t even move on the rematch so i “officially” secured third place. bastards. he even picked one of the college girls (anne from ohio) to be the “toad princess” and award the prices. i’ll let the pictures speak for themselves on this one.

all in all, it was fantastic. far and away the highlight of cairns.

so i got to cairns - and it’s kind of lame.

the word ‘touristy’ is completely inadequate to describe this place. it’s worse than myrtle beach. in the ‘downtown’ (to use the word generously), there’s a simple rotation between bar, souvenier shop, and tour-booking agency. repeat. ad naseum. it’s mind-numbing.

i wanted to sign up for dive class with Pro-Dive cause everyone said they’re the best but there was a 5-day waiting list before the next course started. i definitely cannot hang out here for 5 days and retain my sanity. so i signed up with Deep Sea Divers Den. the bonus? i can start tomorrow. bring on the damn reef.

in other news, i’ve figured out that i have to cut out a significant part of my trip (Uluru) because i don’t have time. it has been quite an ordeal trying to fit in te rest of my things to do and because of travel time (and expense), i’ve got to stay along the east coast. the upside is that it gives me a built-in reason to come back!

now - back to reading the afternoon away…

okay, the only thing cool that i did in port douglas was check out this rainforest walk led by an aboriginal medicine man. insane.

the damn aboriginals know (or maybe knew) EVERYTHING about the rainforest. white people would be so murdered within 15 minutes. as we’re walking along the path in the pouring down rain, this guy’s pointing out 5 different plants and trees that would kill you if you touched their sap, leaves, bark, or looked at them funny. he has nothing to fear, though, because next he showed us the 3 different plants that you could create antitoxins from.

“if you get bit by a taipan snake, here’s the one you use to flush the wound with.”

“if you get bit by an hourglass spider, this is what you crush up and grind into the wound.”

“if you cheat on your taxes, this weed will make the IRS forget about you.”

seriously - there’s a plant for everything. there’s one that turns into soap, one that you wash your clothes in, and one that gives you smooth, supple skin. white people would probably try to eat that one. i bought a book about the plants, so if you’re curious, ask me what’s up.

and that was the highlight of port douglas. it did not stop raining - there was one tourgroup that went up into the rainforest and then couldn’t get down because the damn roads had flooded. all four of them.

i bet an aboriginal could find a plant to fix that.

it is rainy. and not sunny. and not warm. and rainy - all the time.

this is not what i was looking for. i’m headed back to cairns tomorrow morning to do my diving. i’m doing an aborigine tour this afternoon, which will be the only thing i do in port douglas.

i’ll let you know how that is. ta-ta!!

as i get ready to go to bed on my last night in sydney, i’m thinking about my almost two weeks here.

it has been interesting to say the least. i had to learn about myself as a person and as a traveler. as most of you know, my situation had changed from when i booked my flight to when i actually arrived, which forced me to re-evaluate some priorities.

sydney is where i partied until 3 in the morning and vomitted the next day. it’s also where i spent countless hours roaming the city streets, not having any particular destination and simply trying to enjoy the journey.

sydney is where i hung out with a 7-year old and played Crash Bandicoot until i thought my thumb would fall off. it’s where we went exploring on rocks and i was reminded how easily children are entertained and how envious i am of it.

sydney is where i wandered into a handful of museums and discovered Aboriginal paintings and writings. i also found heaps of friendly people eager to give directions and advice on finding a good pub.

sydney is where i won $200 in a casino at a game i didn’t even want to play and wound up having a conversation with a math teacher from san fran. i was bemused and baffled by buses and trains and thankful to be able to walk to most places.

sydney was where i had to say goodbye to parts of my past that i was in love with.

and sydney was where i had to move on.

this saturday i saw romeo and juliet at the opera house. it was absolutely fantastic.

it was modern-setting, classic text. it was hip and edgy and i thought it really brought out the best elements of the play. for example, when romeo and crew go to the capulet ball, they are dressed at batman, the joker, and krusty the klown. funny.

it really got me into shakespeare. i actually want to decorate my house with some lines done in calligraphy and framed. how dorky am i?

someone reply with something intelligent.

i went shopping and bought a few things today. this was probably the fourth or fifth time i went into a store trying to buy clothes but this time i came away with something.

matt inadvertently volunteered as my fashion consultant and convinced me to buy sunglasses, a jacket, boardshorts, a short-sleeve shirt and sandals. cool stuff.

as we were shopping, i realized why i can’t shop for interesting clothes by myself - i’m not interesting. i think i actively search for the most bland and uninteresting articles of clothing by myself. this enables me to blend in and attract no notice. which is great when you’re all alone in a country and trying to start a conversation with anyone with a pulse.

so i was grateful to have an assistant and actually pull out my plastic. it was all 50% off. i’m still cheap.

i wish i’d been able to find a few other things but maybe i can pick up some stuff up north. it’s WARM up north.

thank you.

okay, i did it. i didn’t mean to and i didn’t intend to, but i did it.

matt and teesh and i went out to “the pickled pigeon” and wound up in the middle of a karaoke fest. i didn’t ask for it, but they persuaded me to sing. the persuaded me with wine.

i sang “you’ve lost that loving feeling” and didn’t even catch the irony at the time. it hit me a couple days later.

it went over like a lead balloon. the range of that song is a but much for me, especially in such an intoxicated state. i think the guy running the show turned my mike off after about 20 seconds of my singing. maybe he was sober. bastard.

in any case, i had a short life of fame in the bar as people quickly deduced i was american. it was fun until i was exhausted.

if i was a good storyteller, you’d be laughing by now.

played a friendly, $10 game of poker last night with three other people.

thought i was in the money for sure when after the first three hands i took out two people. first hand, no action, small bet, fold. second hand, i’m big blind, i flop a straight, someone goes all-in on 2 pair, i call, no-brainer. third hand, i get bullets. i go all-in and the guy holding top pair calls. so i’m looking at a ton of chips ready to make some moves.

it didn’t turn out well, but at least it didn’t take long. we really didn’t “play” much; just all-in’s back and forth until we both had hands we felt like playing.

australian people are cool.

i can thankfully say i am more at peace with the sarah-situation now. i was able to get some more background information and while you can’t always trust what people tell you, i think it’s pretty clear that she’s not the girl i wanted when we were in vienna.

so, a little tip to you aspiring couples out there: one person taking a 6-month “holiday” in a foreign country that costs $2000 to visit is not the recipe for wedding bells.

i will carry on. thanks for all your support out there!

i met matt and teesha for dinner last night and caught up (which was very good). we ended the evening in the Star City casino, the only one in sydney. it is populated largely by asians. and by largely i mean exclusively.

we wanted to sit at a poker table and play some hands and see what we got but the $5/$5 no-limit tables had a $200 minimum buy-in which was a little more than we were prepared to lose. so we sat at a 3-card poker table instead.

matt tapped out within the first twenty minutes - sorry. i was still at the stupid table 4 hours later. i ended up sitting next to a high school math teacher from san francisco!! what are the odds? we chatted about teaching, cards and money. great fun.

in the end, i managed to turn my $50 investment into $250! at highest, i was around $300 but when i dropped down at 1:30 in the morning, i figured it was time to call it off.

all in all, it was way too easy. i see how it could become a habit. i’m not addicted, but i’m interested. maybe i’ll go back…

i went into a library last night. i can hear you all now - “you’re on vacation, why are you in a library??” but it’s MY vacation and i wanted to go into a library so stuff it!

anyway, the point is that books are another place where the US and australia are radically different. for example, they think science fiction actually qualifies as fiction. they lump it in there with all the rest, and they seem to like it quite a bit. if you’re a trekkie, you need to relocate down under and find some social acceptance.

books are also ridiculously expensive. a frickin’ paperback at borders (yes, they have borders) is like $30!! there aren’t any presses here so all the books have to get shipped and you sure do end up paying for it.

okay, enough with the book talk. i’m going back to surfing and drinking and smashing australian women.

right.

the next leg of my journey is now confirmed. i will be flying to cairns on wednesday morning. for those unfamiliar with australian geography, check a map.

are you really that lazy? just google “australia map.”

do i really need to do it for you? fine. here.

at cairns i will probably investigate the diving and sailing thing and see what i can get into. i’ll also start figuring out how to get in to the center of country where Uluru is.

what do i do for my last six days in sydney?